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Tips for Parenting Teens



1. Look after yourself first
“It’s like in an aircraft,” Sheila explains. “You put your own mask on first.” It stands to reason if you’re not looking after yourself; you can’t look after others. Incorporate this into your daily routine. “Go for a walk by yourself or with a friend to de stress. This way you get exercise, time to chat and time to think,” she advises.
“Eat well; seek support from friends and family if you need it. Rest when you get the chance, rather than doing too much, operating from tiredness and neglect. Learn to say No, rather than doing too much and taking it out on your children. Remember, mornings begin the night before. Encourage your teen to help out with a pre prepared lunch, setting out uniform the night before. Get up half an hour earlier and reduce stress for all.

2. 8 Minutes a Day make a teenager feel loved
Studies have shown just 8 minutes a day ‘one on one’ time with your teenager can significantly increase their self-esteem and confidence levels. “Maybe that’s why so many parents drive their teenagers to school! Teens prefer ‘side on’ communication so a car journey is a perfect opportunity to connect into their world. I’m always amazed at how much information I get en route to school. You want your teenager to feel loved, secure and special.  “The more attention you give - the less they demand it and challenging behaviours should reduce”.
  
3. Blame the Behaviour-Not the Teenager “I love you; but can’t accept that behaviour”
    Blaming lowers self esteem (‘how could you be so stupid’)
Limit criticism with teenagers. A young person can change how they behave; but not what a parent says they are; therefore if they get a negative message from you; they may take on the label ‘I’m stupid’
“When your teenager deserves your love the least, they need it the most,” says Sheila.
“Behaviour is usually about how they feel. If they are behaving badly it’s often attention seeking. Try understanding how they are feeling, if they feel understood and loved, they have no need to act out.
 
4. Press the Pause button
When you feel angry Sheila has advice for coping with this. “A lot of child experts tell you to give the child time out, but really it’s you that needs the time out to calm down. Take action for yourself; not against the child. Move away if you are going to ‘lose it’ and breathe deeply until you calm down. In the heat of the moment; just say to your teen ‘Deal with it later’.
 
5. Seek first to understand-then to be understood
Instead of getting angry, try and let your teenager know you are listening to them. Sheila advises come down to their eye lever, speaks quietly, makes eye contact and uses their name. ‘When you calm down; I can talk to you” Misbehaviour that is ignored decreases over time.
 
6. Catch them being good- “I noticed..”
Sheila says unconditionally love your teen not for what they do, but for who they are and to limit criticism. “It takes five positive encounters with your teen to negate one negative one. “Notice their efforts. Say things like ‘thanks for tidying up’ or ‘I can see you are working hard on that’ and you will notice them behave better as a result.”
 
7. “I” Messages & keep communication lines open
“Making negative ‘You ‘statements is heard as a criticism” says Sheila. “Instead of ‘you’re always late, you’re never on time’ instead say ‘I feel upset and I need you to let me know if you’re running late for dinner because I have gone to trouble making a meal.’ State your expectations in an ‘I’ message (“I expect”) and you may get a better response,” she says.

8. The Calmer you are, the calmer they will be so: Be the Change you want to see
Ease up on yourself and you will ease up on them as the teen years can be difficult so try not to sweat the small stuff. Let it go, slow down and ask yourself if it is really that important.
              
9. Treat your teenager with respect
Children learn from the behaviour they see, and parents are a primary influence. “You are the parent therefore get in charge of your own behaviour,” says Sheila. “Be a good role model to your child. Treat them as you would wish to be treated. My experience is that what I put out; I get back”

10. Lighten Up
Families can’t survive on rules alone. Sheila reminds us to have fun with our families because children don’t stay young forever. “Do activities together and have fun with it,” says Sheila. “Bond with your family. Rule with love not laws, settle for less and be flexible. The more time you spend together and positive attention you give, the less they will demand and the better relationships will be at home.”

This article was written by Sheila O Malley. Sheila owns Practical Parenting and offers courses, 1 to 1 support and School Talks as well as Company talks on Parenting and wellbeing. See www.practicalparenting.ie for details. Book a One Day Saturday course from 10-4pm with a friend or partner and get the tips to need to support you in the hardest job you ever do!  Check out Sheila's scheduled autumn Parenting courses here

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