Leave the book of your choice in your child's room, where she can read it in private. Casually let her know that you put it there and that she can check it out if she feels like it. You can be sure the book will be read, and it may ease her fears as well as her discomfort about talking to you about sexual issues and feelings.
It's better not to wait for Big Discussion moments to explore these tough topics. Introducing them matter-of-factly in the course of other conversations lets your child know that she won't have to endure a big awkward scene if she asks you a highly charged question. You may also find conversation-starters in television dramas, movies, newspaper articles, or even works of literature assigned in school. (Remember, the precipitating event in To Kill a Mockingbird is an accusation of rape.)
Thinking about your own adolescence might be your best training for this, if you can remember how mixed up you felt. That doesn't mean filling your child in on the details of your teenage love life, which she absolutely does not want to hear. It means letting her know that you remember how tough it was to be 14 and how many questions and turbulent feelings you had. If you show your child it's safe to come to you for help, then it's easier to convey important messages: "Respect yourself." "Know how much responsibility sex carries with it." "Don't let anybody pressure you into doing something you don't want to do." "I love you." "You can count on me for support."
The area in which you can make the most difference may be helping your child cope with the peer pressure to have sex -- or, at least, to appear sexually sophisticated. Beyond the abstractions of sex education, dating involves a lot of tough choices and moment-to-moment decisions. What your child might really like help with, for example, is how to say no without hurting someone's feelings. Or what to do when her friends smirk and giggle about how far they went on their Saturday night dates. If your child is open to this, you might talk about ways she might respond to pressuring suggestions.
If you're sure that your daughter is having sex or intends to, no matter how much you disapprove, then your only option may be to guide her towards securing the best birth control and disease protection she can get. If you don't feel comfortable about taking her to a GP or Family Planning Clinic have an adult female friend or relative do it, or at least give her the information she needs to go on her own. If you are encouraging her to use contraception make sure she has some condoms too, as the pill and other birth control methods for women don't offer protection from disease. This doesn't mean you have to stop talking to her about the importance of waiting until she's older -- it just means she's protected from disaster right now.
Parents shouldn't be any less concerned about boys, who need to understand that failure to use a condom -- even once -- could endanger their lives. Your son may need some practical help. Make sure he knows where he can buy condoms and feels comfortable enough to do so, or -- if you think there's any chance he'll try sex -- buy some for him. And don't shrink from reminding him of the tremendous responsibility he'd incur by getting a girl pregnant.
Make sure your child understands that oral sex is not a casual business -- that it can transmit diseases, that it can make one or both parties feel used and cheap, and that it should be done only with respect and as a sign of mutual love.
This is also a chance to talk with your child about respect for others, since kids can cruelly harass gay peers or those rumoured to be so. Your child needs to understand that homosexuality is not a disease, a curse, or an invitation to hatred. It may help to mention that someone they know and like is gay, such as aunt Joan or that nice neighbour down the street.
Read our supplementary article How to Talk to your Child about Sex - Ages 6 - 12 years
Reprinted with kind permission from vhi.ie