Help for a Desperate Mum
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15/07/2010 10:21 - Ask Mother Hen
You are welcome and I hope that you found the advice helpful. Take care of yourself and your children and do contact the various organisations I have listed to get help and support. Please stay in touch and let us know if we can offer any further help
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14/07/2010 00:00 - Ask Mother Hen
Thank you so much mother Hen for your advice. I hope one day my Husband will come to his senses about providing for his children as he has hurt them so much as they are only 6 & 8 & have a long way to go in life.
| Help for a Desperate Mum           |
12/07/2010 17:35 - Ask Mother Hen (Locality: Dublin North)
My Husband walked out on Me & my 2 children in March after 13 years together said he wasn´t happy & left us all devastated. Within in 2 weeks i found out he´d been seen a younger women with a child of her own while still married to me. He doesn´t want to do anything legal about the separation cause it would cost him money & is treating me very badly. Last week he moved into a new apartment not far from were this woman lives & is complaining now about having to pay €600.00 maintenance every month. He has been demanding for the last couple of weeks that our children meet this girl because he is in a relationship with her & wants her to meet them as he thinks it could do them the world of good better than any counselling to see she is not a monster. The thing is my children don´t want to meet her they want their daddy back. As it is very hard for me to accept that my husband is with another woman i have told my husband that if he is still with this woman at xmas i will consider my children´s feeling & ask them if they want to meet this woman then but it´s not good enough, he just wont have it. I was even considering emailing this woman myself to see if she would make him see sense. I´m desperate for any advice as i´m on the edge of it now & just can´t deal with it anymore. He has tore my children´s lives apart never mind what he has done to mine. Please i´m begging if there is anyone out there that could help me or give me some advice on what to do. I´m mental drained from him!
A Desperate Mum.
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13/07/2010 13:48 - Ask Mother Hen
I am so sorry to hear about your situation - what a dreadful shock for you and your children. There are a few things that I would advise you to consider. Firstly, you need to look after yourself. You will need so much strength and emotional energy to get yourself and the children through the next few months so make sure you get some support. If you have a good friend or family members that will help, ask them to help you. You need to be able to talk through how you feel, what is happening with the children and also to allow yourself to grieve, deal with the dreadful hurt and mourn the loss of your partner- you need support and space to do this. If you have someone who will help by taking the children for a few hours to give you the space that would be very helpful.
With regards to the children, they must be going through a dreadful time. Children suffer so much upset, missing their Dad, embarrassed about the situation, fearful of the future in terms of where they will live, will they be very badly off financially, whats going to change for them and so on. Barnardos have some very good leaflets to help with this, visit their website for information. You don´t say what age the children are but if they are attending school, you should talk to their teacher/year head as soon as they return to school to let them know of the new situation. Support from the school in understanding the change for your children is important. There is also an organisation called Rainbows which can help with supporting and counselling children going through a breakup.
With regard to meeting the new partner - I would simply hold off on that for the moment. The children must be the priority and their feelings and emotions take precedence of one of the adults wanting to introduce a new partner.
From your message, you say that your partner won´t consider legal separation and moans about paying maintenance. Don´t forget that you and your children have rights in this situation and it is not just his decision about separation and maintenance. Contact a solicitor for advice - if you can´t afford a solicitor, contact your local citizens advice centre for information on free legal aid. You must protect yourself and your children and that is where your legal rights come into play. Your ex can´t just suit himself here - exercise your rights!
You may also be able to get some support through groups for parents in similar situations - visit solo.ie for a list of some of these.
One final piece of advice, if you can get your ex to agree to mediation where you try to work out the basics of your separation, that would be very helpful. This will provide a safe space and framework for you two to work out terms and will hopefully lead to a quicker solution or separation agreement which will be better for you both.
I wish you the very best of luck with the future.